Adjusting to the Norm
Unstable to Stable
My experience when I was in the mum and Bub mental health unit started off overwhelming, before be admitted to the mum and Bub unit I was in the mental health department of hospital without my baby who was only 8 weeks old for a week. My two babies were being looked after by my husband and his family which I’ll forever be grateful for. That week without my babies was terrifying because I didn’t know what was going to happen, I felt so bad for my babies because I thought I was the worst mum in the world. I thought my poor babies deserved a mum who didn’t have mental health issues, a mum who did not want to die and a mother who was much more stable than I was.
Once I was transferred to the mum and Bub unit and reunited with my 8 week old It was a relief! I was finally back with my baby but I still didn’t have my older daughter with me and that made me feel super guilty for leaving her. Although my older daughter got to visit me twice a week for a few hours it wasn’t enough time and I missed her so much. But I was back with my littlest baby and ready to start trying to bond and build a connection with her and to figure out a good routine with her.
Even though I knew I was blessed to have my two babies I still felt stuck, I still wanted to end my life and I didn’t understand why I felt that way when I have an amazing family and surrounded by people who love me. I was still sitting in very dark thoughts, wanting everything to end. I also was still trying to adjust to being with my 8 week old, I still felt like I couldn’t settle her and felt very overwhelmed by her crying.
Being in the mental health unit I was very isolated from society, only allowed out in public with someone watching me and only for a short period of time. During this time my OCD skyrocketed, I was having lots of intrusive thoughts which made being out in public very difficult and sometimes scary. The thought of my baby being hit by a bus or someone taking my baby was a major fear and was all I could think about.
At one point I got even worse and told one of the nurses at the hospital I was going to try end my life, from that point I had someone watching me 24/7, there was always a nurse watching me even when I had to go to the toilet or have a shower and when I was sleeping, it felt very intrusive even though they were doing it for my safety I was still uncomfortable and eventually had a meltdown because I felt like my space was invaded. When I voiced to them how uncomfortable I was they then reviewed me and slowly giving my space and privacy back.
It took about a month for my mind to settle enough for the Drs to allow me to go back home.
Even after leaving the mum and Bub mental health unit I still struggled with self harm and suicidal thoughts. I still thought my babies would be better off without me. I still felt numb and disconnected from my babies.
I could not see the good in my life no matter how much people told me how beautiful my family is, to be grateful for the things I do have but I don’t think being suicidal makes you ungrateful. I was both so grateful for the life I have while also having thoughts to harm myself.
During this dark season of my life things that are supposed to boost your mental health and wellbeing didn’t help me. I thought If I would go for a walk, if I went to the gym, had a good sleep and prayed enough that I would feel better and the thoughts would go away but these things didn’t change anything for me at least not in the short term.
I can’t exactly remember or pinpoint exactly when the dark thoughts stopped but they did stop. Even if I have low mood my mind no longer goes straight to suicidal thoughts.
I have been self harm and suicidal thought free for about 2-3 months now and at first it just didn’t feel normal to me. Being deep in depression was so normal to me that becoming stable and adjusting to mental stability was a bit of a shock. Not having so much of my mind taken up by dark thoughts, no longer wanting to sleep all the time, enjoying my time with my kids and not just trying to make it to the next day. Finding Joy in small things like going for a walk, listening to music, learning to crochet! Actually feeling Joy from these seemingly mundane things has been amazing.
When I was unstable I didn’t find joy in anything and nothing would boost my mood. Maybe I was still adjusting to the new medications I was prescribed, I didn’t see any changes to my wellbeing from taking antidepressants for 4 months, it took time to get the right medication dosage, for my sleep schedule to become more normal especially having a 3 month old at the time.
If you are currently feeling stuck in the horrors of your own mind, I just want to tell you that even though you don’t see it right now, things do change, things do get better, the medication will start to work if you give it enough time and God will not let you be stuck like this forever, God will intervene and be there for you if you let him into your pain.
Some small signs that I noticed when I was slowly starting to get better were:
Looking forward to future events
Being excited
My mood being boosted while going for a walk
Playing more with my babies
Missing my babies when I’m away from them
Connections to people around me started growing
Being able to deal with my toddler’s tantrums
Having more patience
Spending more time in prayer
Going from horrific pain to being joyful is an adjustment especially if you’ve been stuck in your pain for a very long period of time.
